I planned to work on them all the following weekend - I knew I was off and had no plans. It was the perfect time to get reorganized, fix up my binder (my bff) and begin to write more on paper, maybe look at a new laptop and start publishing great things.
When I returned home on the afternoon of Monday January 6th, my life would be forever changed.
There is only so much I am ready to say. There is only so much I am able to grasp. I wish this were just a dream. Technically, this would be a nightmare.
Loss is a concept I never associated with myself. I've lost a lipgloss, a glove, I ultimately lost the paper I was writing on all day on January 6th... I have lost people in my life - grandparent, cousin, great aunt and family friends.
I have never felt the helplessness, emptiness and sheer devastation that is losing someone who really is apart of your soul, looked like you, is everything that you think about when you think about your own life. I've never ever in a million years thought I would have to write an obituary or a eulogy then be praised and congratulated for them either!
I considered never writing this, never writing again? I don't know how good I will be, how sassy or witty I can be, will clothes and girly things ever matter to me as they once did?
I know in time, life will be structured. I know that I will laugh and smile as I once did. I realize the silence around me is deafening, especially after the "hoopla" has faded.
My heart is broken and my mind is foggy.
But my spirit and drive is somewhere inside me... I am certain my brother - who was the ultimate guys guy, could give a crap what I wrote on a regular basis, only simply that I was writing and that's what made me happy. That was support enough for me!
I am sure the list of things that make me happy will always be a reference for me. I am sure that those sparkly and witty posts, hot topics and simple gal drama will one day be important to me again. And my passion WILL take flight and help me through this tragic experience.
The everyday girl does suffer through many a nightmare that isn't just a chipped manicure the day of her big interview. And she'll need to know how to get that stain out of her blouse; while on the subway! The everyday girl does have secrets that she keeps, things that get her down and things that bring her up... And most recently, she does suffer unthinkable tragedy and in time she will be okay, and even better live to write about it.
That is courage under fire.
<3
