BACKSTORY...
a couple of months ago, i shared that i was going to showcase some readers and asked if anyone would like to share something about their past. (( how they got over it, how it effected them, if it is something they struggle with, did it change their life good or bad ))
i received, moving, raw and heartfelt emails.
*the only reason i hadn't posted them is because of the holidays and timing was off*
but now, i will spotlight each of these stories - one a week. in a soul cleansing effort.
we as ladies have a tendency to go through a lot more than we should, a lot more than we ever really bargain for. it's not always fair, it sometimes tears our lives apart in secret, and many times we don't speak about it because we are not comfortable. now, the internet is a strange place to "let the cat out of the bag" but it's comforting to share anonymously and find support.
... i will go first!
time, growth and courage allow me to write this. to be bold, give a closer look on the inside, and maybe inspire someone. it wasn't until i read another bloggers (whom i adore and truly am in awe of) post about her battle of "the past" that i was READY & touched enough to share a really raw and personal story of my own.
i've thought long and hard about this, THIS and...
my decisions, my choices and my hesitations.
keep in mind, i will be slightly vague. truly will not get into many details.
i will be using the term "IT" fairly often.
so, here we........................... go.
when did growing up become one of the most complicated and strange experiences. isn't this shit supposed to be fun, adventurous, thrilling and even a little challenging?
seems the more you grow, the more you really do know. (cue NBC rainbow here)
this wasn't in the brochure. no one told me this could happen, well maybe, but i didn't listen - i digress. the person i trusted more then anyone else in the world took me for granted. it took a lot for me to come to grips with the situation. it wasn't denial, it was sheer SHOCK. i was young, i was foolish. but my trust had taken a beating, like a pinata on cinco de mayo.
the reality is, there is no cure. there's no way to get over being betrayed. whoever said "in order to get over a man, you must get on top of another" is bat shit crazy. personally, that's the kind of person that i didn't want to be.
mad, devastated, confused don't seem like words strong enough to use. but that's all i felt.
i was also blindsided. (again, friends who i wasn't listening to are shaking their heads now) how do you prepare, how do you pick up the pieces and move on?
when you are angry you see so much of the you, YOU wish you had been. you can't live in the "what if i did this, what if i said that" aspect of life. it happened. it will always be apart of my story.
i don't want to give too much gratification to a negative and hard experience.
i'd just like to know how far back the exit for "leave your bullshit from the past here" was. i must have been singing "don't stop believing" so loudly and passed it. quite fitting.
it was a process. it took time. it was not over night. but acceptance & comprehending are two very different things. to say i was "good" with it, is hard....
good in the sense that i was NOT inviting it over for lemonade on a hot summer day (not yet at least) but good in the sense that i knew i was ABOVE this and i would persevere. like i said, it took time, at the end of the day it is myself that needed to move through this. no therapist, best friend or grandma could do it. it was just, me.
my puzzle is not complete without that piece. yes, it's true. no matter how good, bad, bedazzled or torn the pieces are, they all fit. i accept that, and i have full knowledge of the consequences "it" was going to have on my story. and i have to accept "it" because i can't write it out. the only part i could control now, was me. how i overcame. how i turned it around.
to sweep it under the rug or to put it away in a box and let it get dusty is no way to handle what troubles you. also i don't think a spot light should be placed on it either...
none of that makes it go away. you make it go away! with strength, patience and more importantly when you believe in yourself.
"do not look back and grieve over the past" i kept shouting like a lunatic.
it was my mantra. it was my own way of dealing.
over time, and after a lot of talking and soul searching. i was on the other side. FINALLY.and there it was "beauty in the breakdown".
i could have sat there for years and let it eat away at my life, but it's not in my character to suffer. i could have never got past it but i had to. the tears don't come to my eyes when i talk about it.there are days, i'll have a moment where i am brought to a somber place but "it's" behind me.
it IS the past. in reality, NOW in real time...
i am moved on. it is a memory, a lesson. i'm better, stronger and wiser for having faced "it".
i am ultimately a changed woman because of this.
because of those things, i will never lose sight of myself.
you can do it to, in your own way, on your own terms.
whatever your "it" is or was... it's just a piece in the puzzle.
it doesn't define you.
and as bob marley so wonderfully said...
"in this great future, you can't forget your past"
<3
