In the haze of life moving, no matter how much I wish it could pause, just even for a minute. In a haze of everything always happening, weekends with events and days of work that I needed so badly before they stopped. Appointment, calls and interviews and deadlines a plenty. I finally crashed. It was weird. I was a wreck, but it was destined to happen. Why? Because I couldn't tell which end was up and which was down anymore.
I didn't know if I was in the right place sometimes.
It was getting bad. But I just kept going.
For the record, two times I was in the wrong place.
Not a single person reached out and asked what was going on. But they couldn't have asked, because they didn't know. Not a single person noticed. I handle crisis and chaos so casually its pretty alarming for myself to even admit, let alone here on my blog - for god knows who to read.
It's not that I was hiding or faking it, its just that I was too brave for my own good. I thought I needed to constantly juggle. Anything and everything that crossed my path.
And begrudgingly, make it work!
I never allowed myself to have moments of saying no, or backing down to things, I didn't let weakness come over me much. I never accepted that I have had major "things" happen to my life and that I could change. I could be different, I could be affected. I could have moments, be weak one minute and stronger, knocking shit down the next...
It wasn't until recently that I was having a conversation with someone (someone, that I truly look up to and adore) she said to me... "It is okay. You are a changed person, you don't need anyone's permission to live anymore".
That was it, that was all she said. And it was all I needed to hear.
Tragedy and trials mold and shape you more then you can even realize.
I just kept trying to move with the happenings.
Life isn't a chore,that you get allowance for.
I am not working toward anything that I want compensation or approval for.
I am living, some days confused, many happy, but majority in transition.
I have my goals, my morals and my dreams close to my heart.
But what I didn't have was the allowance that I could shut down and be a changed person.
I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize it, but I'm glad I got the time...
Because at the very least, I found more courage in the process.
Have you ever experienced something similar to this?
Have you ever not ALLOWED yourself the time to simply, just be?
